I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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