I CAN MOONWALK!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize