My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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