Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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