VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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