Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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