im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
