Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
