i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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