you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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