Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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