Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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