so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
