I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Randomize
