I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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