I can text with my tongue
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
either way he was missing a nipple.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
