I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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