Someone shit on the floor
i barfeds in our rink
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
