she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize