i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We left the knife in your bed.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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