He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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