Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
