I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
