I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
