So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
