Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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