We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
