porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
