do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
