Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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