Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
