My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
