Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
