...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
