somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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