The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
