youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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