Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize