I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
