The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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