I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
