he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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