I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
