she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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