she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
