Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
