Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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