OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
