I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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