And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
