Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
