sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
