He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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