I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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