I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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