Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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