my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
