Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize