So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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