hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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