Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
